I have so many thoughts running through my mind. It’s 3.20am right now and that drowsiness eludes me. I’d love to fall asleep right now but it seems impossible. I even put on the soundtrack album of Goblin because I know it’s one of the sure fire way for me to fall asleep. It’s already the last track and throughout the songs, I have a feeling I fell asleep but not fully shutting down.
So what did I do before falling asleep? I went to my ex’s Facebook page. Suicidal. I know. It makes me wonder sometimes. Why did I meet him when I vowed to myself that I will not get into a relationship? With the condition I am in, it would be selfish of me to be in a relationship because what if I am gone? This partner of mine will be hurt and it’s not because I want to leave him but my time might have come to an end. I don’t want to put that on someone especially if it’s someone that I love.
I have seen how losing someone affects you. I have seen it when my dad passed away. I have seen how my mum would break down and cry whenever small things reminded her of my dad. It hurts so much. I lost my dad. She lost her life partner. A part of her soul. Her soulmate. When he was gone, my heart broke to pieces. But for my mum, the heart broke into million pieces.
Can I do that to a person? No. But I can’t help but cling to that bubbly feeling of being in love. I’ve felt it. It makes you smile at the weirdest moments. Longing at the loneliest time. Bubbly frothy happy. I don’t know how to describe it. So is finding love worth the risk?
Sigh. This melancholic feeling always shifts my thoughts on love, marriage and partnership.
On another note, I replayed the soundtrack album and I can imagine myself in a field of flowers with the breeze playing with my shawl. The sunlight warming me but the temperature is just right. I am in a moment of bliss. I wish I am in my own daydream. Can I call it a daydream when its happening at 3.40am?
I am here and yet, my mind yearns to wander. My body misses the travel. My feet misses the aching feel of exploring a place. The weariness after a day of fulfilling walk. I miss that so much. It’s suppose to be an uplifting post but it ended up something else altogether.
I saw this on twitter and I want all of these. Especially número uno and tres.
Things I am always down for no questions asked:
- Road trips
- Breakfast for dinner
- Hot coffee and good conversation